My grandmother is dead.
That’s not her there, not her, not lying there so still. The centre of attention at a family gathering like this. Only that instead of sitting back and opening that smile, she lies there in a stillness that can only mean she is not here. That smile is gone, that smile that we all wanted, the smile that somehow was meant completely for you in that moment.
I sit in a line of my relatives, men in dark suits and black ties, the women in sober colours. I am the eldest grandson but tonight as never before I want to be somebody else. I do not want to be here to bear witness, not to this. And I am glad that no matter what art the mortician possessed he could not make her hands look as they did in life. They lie there, bloodless and empty, not folded into each other as she often laid them in her lap, but cold and terribly large, flattened by the absence of the woman who used them for so long.
I feel some sadness now but my body holds itself in. I wear grief, I am shaved and clean, I have watched the razor draw itself across my face as my thoughts have wandered back along her life. I wear black and it armours me against the tightness in the back of the throat and the sting in the eye. I know that they will come again and again, that they will come at inappropriate moments, when I watch my children perform some unrehearsed scene in the play of life, from the same script that I once half knew and played. They will come when I watch some sentimental moment in a film, an artificial emotion will let me let go and I will follow the rule of my body as it will do what my brain will not, as it takes tribute for the time that cannot be again. For there will be no more conversations where I can make her laugh, no more stories to listen to. I will cry, but I will cry for myself, for like all those present I am left behind.
I know that the more unmoved I am now the more terrible will be the later, the time when I will lie in bed and feel grief grow through me and individual cells will turn with their realisation of what my mind already knows. That she is gone, that there will be no more stiffness when she rises from her chair, that I will never again adjust her seat belt, that I will never again let her transport me back twenty, thirty, fifty years with a memory that she slipped into conversation, a paragraph of the history of our family made real. The wave will come and it will wash towards me from within, as if claiming the sand of my emotions and smoothing them into sorrow.
I watch my uncles, my aunts, my mother and father, cousins, stronger than me, watch them move in a place where their souls are naked and soft skinned and I envy the ones who let their sorrow crease their faces and redden their skin like a storm.
There is a photograph in my grandmother’s house. It is in black and white and from a more formal time, when photographs were purchased and the preserve of professionals. When you went to the studio dressed in your best and held a pose. The woman in the photograph is dressed in a tailored jacket, well fitted to her. She sits and her body is erect and proud and her head is held back with no trace of haughtiness and she is alive and smiling and beautiful and she will hold that for all the time I know her and I will know her until I too lose memory.